Inner Whizdom

I don’t practice any religion, but I think I’m getting the hang of this prayer thing. On two occasions recently I have been very afraid– of the repercussions from hurting someone I loved, and afraid that I’d either have to do a job I hate or be unemployed in scary times.

As the fear rose inside me I surrendered it to the Holy Spirit using phrases I’d learned from Marianne Williamson and A Course in Miracles. I asked for peace. I asked to be part of Love (which I know I am already, but often forget). I forgave myself and others. It’s sort  of like rote chanting– something to do to replace the rising fear and defensiveness. I don’t feel holy or anything special as I’m saying these things to myself. It’s just to neutralize the fear. The intention is enough.

And it works. When there is no fear there is openness. I can receive love and connection. I can recognize good ideas that turn around bad situations. I experience miracles.

This day feels almost holy.

I know that Barack Obama is a human being, and I don’t want to burden him with my expectations. But I’m very hopeful. Everything I hear about his philosophy and approach is meaningful to me. Responsibility, listening, coming together, our better angels. I believe in this direction.

One of my Facebook Friends posted that she couldn’t wait until 1/20/13.  I felt kicked in the chest when I read that. This is a person with whom I shared my shock when Bush won the 2004 election. I know that she is a religious conservative. I wanted to try to understand how others could feel so differently from me.

I guess it’s time to do that again (and continuously).

I went over to a friend’s house yesterday to hear about a business venture she was considering. Maybe I’m naive because it never occurred to me that this was a multi-level-marketing intro event.

It was very low key and soft sell. I wasn’t pressured. This is probably a fine venture for some people.

But for me it mostly felt as though I was trying to understand a foreign culture. In this world the only purpose of work was to make money. There was no place for fulfillment of any other kind. That only comes from having the money.

The product they were selling was a way of doing sales. You sell other people the opportunity to sell. The products anyone buys are relatively unimportant. It’s the way they buy them.

Now granted, I am a dreadful salesperson. I’m good at customer service but lousy at asking for money. I would starve to death if I had to sell for a living. So this is not the opportunity for me. And, probably, why I don’t understand it better.

But it repulses me a little, the idea of doing something only to get paid.

I can’t quite wrap my head around what an economic collapse would mean.  How would it affect me? Do I lose my job? My house? My level of comfort? The only thing I’ve seen so far is the potential for a lot of fear.

I’m revving up my love generator as an antidote.  Fear of the unknown does nobody any good.

I was fortunate that the tragedies of 9/11 did not affect me personally.  I did not know anyone who died.  I’m assuming that’s why, 7 years later, I don’t have much personal connection to the date. My heart goes out to those who lost family and friends and their lives, and I honor those who are in service to our country (even though I disagree strongly with the administration).

There was a sign in my office yesterday that said, “Remember 9/11 and never ever forget.” I’m not sure what I’m supposed to remember. That extremists committed terrorist acts? That thousands lost their lives for no reason?

I don’t want to feel pain and fear every September 11th. I don’t want to put those thoughts out. How can I use this rememberance to serve love and bring peace?

My heart is full.  My best friend from high school surprised me and came to hear my concert last night. She and her husband were vacationing nearby.  It was such a pleasure to reconnect. I’d always wanted them to meet Michael but I’d never make him go to a reunion. This was perfect and everyone got along.

I admire this woman, Anna Forbes. She’s the deputy director of the Global Campaign for Microbicides and she works tirelessly to prevent HIV/AIDS around the world. I’m so glad to know her and to reconnect.

My standard way of operating has been to feel like an outsider, believing that people who aren’t close friends think I’m a little weird but amusing.

I recently had a BOING brainstorm that maybe people think of me the way I think of this certain person I admire a great deal. What if all these friendly acquaintances saw me the way I see her?

I choose to change my assumptions. They like me! They really like me!

I’ve been getting some feedback recently that surprises me. People are responding to me as though I need reassurance that I’m okay.

I’m doing really well. Inside I feel pretty contented and peaceful.

The feedback I’m getting indicates that’s not the message I’m sending. I must have some leftover self-deprecating behaviors that I don’t even notice.

I want to show the world the way I feel inside.

I have not been feeling very wise recently.

I’ve been angry and defensive and felt like running away.

I suppose I’m s’posed to accept this icky, small-minded, puny, uncomfortable me before I can let it go.

Blecch. Not there yet.

I just got back from an event that went exceedingly well. I got lots of praise and people told me again and again how much they were enjoying it.

I also heard some indirect references to complaints and things that could be improved. Of course! That goes with the territory and that’s how we learn. But a part of me is grasping for the negative, holding it close, and practically cherishing the pain.

Why am I making imagined judgment more important than displayed appreciation? I am choosing the way I see this. I am using a filter that does not serve me.